The newly-coined, psychological term – Parental Alienation – describes a process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the “psychological manipulation” of another parent due to divorce or separation.
In 9 out of 10 cases it is usually the spurned parent who is “out to seek revenge or get one over” on the other parent that left them. They use these PA tactics as a defence mechanism to ensure they are not isolated by their children as well as the partner that deserted them.
In my 20 plus years as a journalist, I have to say this is one of the most heartbreaking subjects I have ever reported on.
The child’s estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect or hostility toward the distant “alienated” parent, and can also extend to additional relatives or parties.
In the long term it causes children to have low self-esteem, self-hatred, lack of trust, depression and substance misuse.
This is how badly it is affecting parents who have fallen prey to it.
PARENTAL ALIENATION STORIES
CARA NORRIS, 37, GUILDFORD
I have suffered from Parental Alienation for 2 years, although it started before then in many ways as I was always undermined to my children by my ex continuously throughout our relationship.
I was in this abusive relationship for 16 years, of which we were married for 13.
He was always quite controlling but from when our first child was born in 2007 things got worse. He was mainly emotionally abusive, but physically violent on a few occasions, one time dragging me around the house by my hair, on another, he threw me against a wall three times. I ended up having my head glued in hospital after a deep cut from a broken chair.
This was nothing compared to the coercive control and continuing phycological abuse which got worse over time. He stopped me getting a part time job when our two children had started school. He took away items of clothing and destroyed them, telling me I looked disgusting. He also smoked a lot of marijuana and drank heavily every night.
In 2018 things got worse when his mother (who I had confided in for four years) told him details of our discussions. He then began to accuse me of things he had done and started threatening me. I began confiding in my own family, but it was his behaviour in front of the children made me realise that I had to leave him. I also discovered that he had paid for prostitutes when working away and the debt we had was increasing because of this.
As things got worse in late 2018, I tried to discuss separation with him. I begged him to be civil and that we should discuss things after Christmas. Things got worse and he got very aggressive when I refused to be intimate with him. He said many times that he would “make me suffer” if I left him. The night before Christmas Eve he got very aggressive with me, as always, with no provocation, and in a panic, I rang my sister who called the police. He was arrested, then issued a DVPO followed by a court order stating that he could not reside in the house whilst I was living with the children until it was sold.
For the first four months of 2019 after we separated, I remained with the children in the family home, where he saw the children two to three nights a week and spent all day Saturday and Sunday with them. He was staying with his mother in the next town.
During this brief time, he managed to persuade our then 11-year-old daughter that I was the one that had been violent, and that I was crazy and mentally ill. I had no idea that PA even existed or that it was happening to us. This was all lies that he led the children to believe.
The children also started to say many worrying inappropriate things at this time which I tried to reassure them about. I have never said a negative thing about him to them as I did not want them to know of the horrible things that happened. I only said we had to split up because of our arguments that where complicated adult things.
We quickly sold the house and in early May we both acquired rental properties in our hometown. Our daughter moved in with him the day before her 12th birthday and has refused to see me since. Our son had just turned 10 and was with me in the week and his father at the weekend until 6 weeks later when he refused to bring him back.
I applied to court for some legal custody of the children in July 2019. He has also had a restraining order (NMO) preventing him from communicating with me for a year which was a separate court case, following him harassing and threatening me, after he had stopped me seeing our children. We have since had 3 hearings, a CAFCASS report confirming alienation.
Worryingly, the courts have not acknowledged the domestic abuse to be relevant to the children’s safety at all. I have been ordered very slow contact with my son who (now 11), who stays with me for two nights every fortnight. I have little influence in his life and have no power to make sure he has after school activities and dental check-ups which have all ceased since living with his father.
He has not seen his extended family in 18 months as his father tells him he is not allowed to see his Aunties and Grandmother.
The fourth hearing which was delayed because of Covid is due in in the upcoming weeks. A NYAS report has been done as well as an alcohol hair test showing he is chronically drinking excessive amounts.
As our now 13-year-old daughter is brainwashed and refusing to see me or speak to me, it seems impossible to reconnect with her, especially when she is controlled by her father every hour of every day. I have now not seen her in 18 months.
My ex swore he would ruin my life if I left him and he is trying everything in his power to destroy me. He can’t come near me now but he can use my children to hurt me. I am in utter shock and disbelief this has not been advanced by the court or social workers.
More needs to be done to stop this happening.
NATALIE PRICE, CARDIFF, 40
I have suffered from parental alienation for 3 years now. When I left my abusive ex-husband he told our 4 impressionable young children I left him because I was “sick” and “needed help”.
The truth is he beat me up on a weekly basis. If I didn’t leave when I did I would be dead now, I know this. I have been strangled to the point that I saw my kids faces flash before my eyes.
My ex is an emotional, physical and psychological abuser. I gave no reason as to the separation at the time, just that it was adult stuff.
To alienate me further, my ex used to cry on my doorstep, begging me to take him back saying “Don’t break up the family” in front of the children, aged 6-11 years old at the time. I was made to be the bad person for breaking up the family. In their eyes he was an innocent victim and I was the heartless villain.
During our 12 year marriage, I looked after the children unconditionally and did everything for them while in comparison my partner did not lift a finger.
He told me he was a car dealer. Since leaving him I have found out he is a career criminal and drug dealer. He used to lay about the house doing nothing, while I woke up at 5am, worked for 2 hours before dressing the kids, feeding them and taking them to school. After which I worked all day and collected the children, did homework, housework and at 7pm after the kids bedtime, my abuse started. Sometimes it would be a bruise on my leg others it was a black eye, the worst was biting me and strangulation. I did try and leave on several occasions but as we lived abroad at the time he had locked the kids passports away. “You can leave,” he said but you are not taking the kids.
When I finally left him in May 2018, with a non molestation order against him, the only way he could control and hurt me was through the children.
As a hard working professional, I have a sociable glass of wine once a week on a Friday night with friends over dinner – as I always did when we were together when I was the “best mum in the world.”
When I left him that he attributed the separation to “a drink problem” telling the kids alcohol was “evil” and “mummy had a problem.”
He even went as far to report me to CAFCASS with 9 ridiculous, fabricated lies in August 2018 – that were all disproven in court.
Among these were that I was to blame for my son breaking his wrist at a park when he was accidentally bumped into by his sister – who admitted this. He said I didn’t seek medical attention in time – which I did. He claimed I was drinking during the day which is why this happened – I was with the kids the whole day and I have the receipt for the pancake and waffle diner which doesn’t even serve alcohol! The lies went on and on.
When I finally had the chance to disprove his lies with cold, hard evidence in court, he was not punished for his blatant lies, as he should have been in my opinion. What gives an abusive spurned ex the right to make up lies about you to get you in trouble with zero evidence and no form of retribution? It’s actually insane.
It is also interesting to note that my ex, who earns £1 a year (allegedly according to Companies House) through his “car dealership” company spends £250K a year on holidays and luxury items. He pays zero in tax, despite having had 3 operations on the NHS last year. He has also lavished £20,000 on gifts for our children to alienate me further. This includes Apple Mac Laptops, Watches, Phones, Jewellery, Louis Vuitton and Gucci Handbags, 20 pairs of Nike Trainers, Designer Clothes, Mountain Bikes and Scooters.
My ex has also done a mixture of scaremongering and charming the innocent young female workers in social services to the point that they are all scared of him in their office and have backed away from our case. They cannot see what he has done – and is doing to me and the the children – and it is so frustrating.
I have undergone the Freedom Programme, which is a gruelling 8-week course for Domestic Abuse victims, where I have realised the extent of the abuse and control I suffered. I have admittedly been upset and in the last few months as the therapy is very intense reliving the past that I tried so hard to shut out for all this years. On 2 occasions I have said to the kids about the abuse, yet only in retaliation to my parental alienation situation, to make them see the truth.
Unfortunately, as is so common with the alienated parent trying to even the scoreboard by telling the truth about the alienator – then makes them be seen as the abuser.
Now my children only want to see me on alternate weekends and Thursdays. I hope I can repair the damage that has been done although I am fearful as it has been ingrained in them for so long now. There needs to be more work done on Parental Alienation in the UK judicial system, it’s causes, effects and consequences. It’s destroying lives and families.
ANTHONY WATSON, 46, MANCHESTER
My parental alienation started after 4 years of separation from my ex. We shared a blissful 13 years and have a beautiful daughter. It was initially an amicable split and we had a fluid childcare agreement – not through the courts however, just on our own terms.
However, I was paying 4 times than the legally obliged figure I was supposed to pay for Child Maintenance including the full mortgage on the house I bought that I let her live in rent free, all the bills including gas, electric, council tax, water, broadband and ALL child related costs including clubs, mobile phones, school trips, holidays, transport to and from school, child minders, gardening and clothing from 2016 to 2020.
I don’t think my ex had one financial outlay. As such she was going on holiday once a month to Florida, Rome, Spain, Greece, Barbados and Dubai amongst other exotic locations.
When my ex partner met a new partner in 2018 and soon after he moved into my former family home I decreased my excessively generous payments but was still was paying approximately double what I was legally required to pay for a further year.
As my income decreased, due to Covid, I had no choice but to pay less. At this point my ex went crazy and threatened to stop me seeing our 8-year-old daughter unless I paid more.
This was completely unfair as she had financial stability though her own job at a travel agency, child benefit, the house which I gave her 60% equity in (despite her never paying a penny towards it during our relationship).
Plus, her new partner who was essentially living in my home, didn’t pay a penny towards any bills, was starting to be really obtrusive.
I did not mind at the time as I had moved on with a new partner but my ex felt it her instinctive right to lay claim to every penny I earned.
So for those 4 years between 2016 and 2020 I had a perfectly agreeable, amicable childcare arrangement, I could see our daughter whenever I pleased. However, once I offered less money (which was more than the maintenance the government were asking) she got really nasty and refused me access altogether.
Despite the government warning that it would be illegal to stop one parent from seeing their child because of lockdown, she stopped me seeing our daughter because it “wasn’t safe” even though she broke lockdown rules and grandparents were always at the house at my frequent visits to drop off food and money.
On 13th November 2019 she text me saying: “Until you are paying £1000 a month maintenance you won’t be seeing Carrie.”
And later that month she text me again, saying: “I would like to make one final appeal – my hours have been cut at work resulting in a 40% pay cut. If you have any moral fibre and normal human feelings of this relentless persecution of this family you appear to hold so dearly – pay up.”
This is all Parental Alienation and proof of it is in these text messages that have so far been ignored by social services.
My daughter has unfortunately been led to believe she can’t see me because I don’t care for her and provide for her. Yet I do. In truth, her mother is punishing and blackmailing me as I can’t afford to sustain her luxurious lifestyle anymore. She has grown so used to my over generosity at the start of our separation she would rather turn our daughter against me than can’t face getting less money.
Yet I pay £1000 a month already which is more than enough in the governments eyes. I haven’t seen my daughter in 6 months and am waiting for a court case next month to gain access again. I really think more needs to be invested in researching and training in parental alienation.
Mr Gary Palmer
