October is National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. Sadly, domestic abuse is one of the biggest killers in our society with approximately 168 women murdered by their partners a year and 100 domestic abuse related offences recorded every hour in the UK.
Domestic abuse can be controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour or violence and abuse between family members or partners. Its more widespread than you think and can happen to anyone regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, orientation or income. The East Surrey Domestic Abuse Service (ESDAS), said on the subject, “Understand that it’s not easy to accept that a loved one can behave like this. Often because you cannot justify or explain the behaviour, you assume that it is your fault. You are not to blame for the abuse.”
High profile female celebrities including Rihanna, Christina Aguilera, Reese Witherspoon, Mandy Moore, Halle Berry and Fearne Cotton have come forward with their domestic abuse stories shocking the press – including reports of broken bones for Aguilera and black eyes for Rihanna.
Surrey Rocks reader, Eve, wanted to share her story in the hope that it would give other women the courage to leave before it’s too late. “During our 9-year relationship my ex subjected me to regular beatings, bitings, bruises, strangulations and cutting me knives or razors. In one particularly savage attack he grabbed a carving knife and held it to my neck telling me he was going to slit my throat. Another time had me on the floor with his hands around my neck strangling me for over a minute…I literally saw my children’s faces flash before my eyes as I struggled for breath. I knew I was seconds away from dying.”
“I would say he was violent weekly. He also checked my phone, email and social media daily interrogating me for hours about every message on his paranoid whims. I had heart palpitations’ every night when I put the kids to bed where he would just scream, shout and eventually turn violent. I was petrified the whole time and what made it worse is we lived abroad so he was able to isolate me from friends and family, and as he took my phone away from me I had no way of calling for help on particularly brutal nights.”
“If that wasn’t bad enough he coercively controlled me and financially abused me, stealing over £50K off me. He was a complete paranoid rollercoaster – high then low. I was his punchbag for the low moments. My jaw is still misaligned from an attack and I have scars all over my body including a 4 inch one from a knife wound to my back that he wouldn’t allow me to go to hospital to get treated. It wasn’t until 4 days later that I passed out as it had turned sceptic. He didn’t even bandage or treat it – just stuck a piece of tissue and sellotape on it. The doctors said I could have died from the severity of the blood poisoning.
In addition to physical abuse, financial abuse and sexual abuse which is common in domestic violence cases, psychologists warn about the sever after effects of abuse. There is a huge psychological burden. Typical psychological effects of domestic violence include post-traumatic stress reactions and mild to severe depression. Domestic violence is also associated with increased suicidal behaviours.
As another survivor Louise told us, ”As my ex-partner was a boxer with links to serious organised crime he told me he would have me killed if I ever left him. He said it would only cost him £500 and he would make it a slow painful death. A stabbing or a gunshot where he’d let me bleed out in pain. It was so sick he’d actually planned it, had the money and knew the people. Honestly, I am terrified. I still wake up three or four times a night in absolute fear, either from nightmares about previous sustained attacks or nightmares about someone coming into my room to kill me.”
Despite being treated for post-traumatic stress due to marital conflict, the NHS counselling she was assigned to alleviate the PTSD was unhelpful for Louise as the psychologist explained that there was no way she could be properly treated her for ‘POST’ Traumatic Stress as the death threats she had received from her abusive ex were real. She likened it to treating soldiers in wars, except a lot of domestic abuse victims are still in that war, with fear of an aftermath of attacks, so they never get to heal.
Talking to Louise about how she was able to overcome her abuse nightmare, she explains that she hasn’t.
”This has affected me for life, I still wake up scared, shivering, shaking and trying not to have panic attacks. It has affected my relationships, my health and mental health. I have been suicidal at times.”
According to a recent report there is at least one domestic abuse v2ictim suicide every four days and murder by a partner or family member every three days. And sadly, victims and perpetrators are known to many other agencies and the police. The Domestic Abuse Commissioner, Nicole Jacobs, said, “Every life lost to domestic abuse is one too many and a failure by our systems.”
This brings us back to the headline news this Summer, when 26-year-old Kyle Clifford brutally murdered his ex- girlfriend Louise (26) her sister Hannah (28) and mum Carol (61) with a crossbow. The women fought for their lives and got messages to police but it was too late. You can only imagine how harrowing their last minutes were as they saw their beloved family members bleed to death in front of them.
Louise’s friends, have provided statements about the extent of Kyle’s abuse – but would not do while their friend was alive. According to these multiple reports, Kyle abused his girlfriend on a daily basis going through her phone, not permitting her to wear make-up or go out in public without him and cutting her off from friends and family members. Louise ended the relationship with Kyle 5 days before her murder and eerily posted on Twitter days before her death how she has respect for “women that walk away from abusive relationships.”
Unfortunately, her statement could have been her demise. He killed her and her family, before turning the crossbow on himself. Kyle is now paralysed and will spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair and prison. In a statement released after the deaths of his wife Carol, and daughters Hannah and Louise, BBC racing commentator John Hunt spoke of “devastation on an unimaginable scale.”
Luckily victims of domestic abuse will be better protected from vile perpetrators under new plans to strengthen the police’s fight against violence towards women and girls, announced by the Home Secretary last month. Marking the first step in the government’s pledge to halve violence against women in the next decade, a key element of the wider mission to take back our streets, domestic abuse specialists will be embedded in 999 control rooms.
This new initiative will ensure calls for help are treated with the urgency needed and victims get the specialist support they need straight away. This will form part of ‘Raneem’s Law’, in memory of Raneem Oudeh and her mother Khaola Saleem, who were murdered by Raneem’s ex-husband in 2018. There were 13 reports made to the police about concerns for Raneem’s safety, with no arrests made. On the night she was killed, she rang 999 four times.
The government will fund this pilot in targeted police forces from early 2025. Specialists with expertise in domestic abuse will be embedded in 999 control rooms to advise on risk assessments and work with officers on the ground, to ensure that victims get a fast response when needed and are referred to support services as quickly as possible.
These specialists will be backed up by dedicated teams to improve how the police respond to these kinds of calls, including using new technology to respond more quickly such as rapid video response.
If you, or someone you know, is affected by domestic violence, call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233), where trained counsellors can listen and help to figure out next steps.
