According to trusty Google, a bully is defined as someone who is \u2018habitually cruel, insulting, or threatening to others who are weaker, smaller, or in some way vulnerable.\u2019<\/p>\n
This definition got me thinking; what does bullying truly represent and how does it affect each and everyone of us? All behaviour is communication. Whether we are conscious about it or not, we are constantly communicating with each other, be it positive or negative experiences that we are sharing. Bullying is often spoken about in education, but it is not something experienced by children alone, it is among us adults too. I would even go as far as to say that we can be guilty of self-bullying. By the above definition, bullying is about behaviour towards weakness and vulnerability, and don\u2019t we all hold some of both within us? Perhaps this is really where bullying begins?<\/p>\n
I believe we can all be subject to \u2018habitual cruelty\u2019 and insult without even leaving the house, and no I am not referring to the various social platforms that we receive regular\u00a0input from, I am talking about that inner voice that we all have. The one that takes a thought and runs with it, unfortunately without properly thinking of the consequences.<\/p>\n
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WATCHING BULLIES AT WORK<\/p>\n
Having worked in education for nearly 20 years, from nursery nursing to deputy headship, consultancy and teacher training, I have seen my fair share of \u2018bullying\u2019. I have seen children (and adults) on both sides of the metaphorical fence and it has always sparked a curiosity. How, as human beings, can we be so \u2018cruel\u2019 to those around us? With so much pain and suffering shared historically, how have we not managed to push past this need to \u2018hurt\u2019 one another?<\/p>\n
Bullying stands unwavering as an issue for our children and us adults.<\/p>\n
With so much of it going unreported and unnoticed, I believe the reason for this is really quite simple. It is \u2018normalised\u2019 from a young age in different forms. We learn to practise ongoing \u2018cruelty\u2019 internally and the more pain we feel, the more pain is transferred to those around us as an attempt to lessen what we\u2019re feeling – at least for a short time, until that urge, desire and overwhelming sense of emotion piles back up. Like everything, this is learned and developed as we grow, and although not all of us \u2018bully\u2019 others, we are all pushing that pain somewhere.<\/p>\n
Surely, using our own metaphorical whipping stick falls under that definition of bullying and as a society, are we inadvertently encouraging bullying from within?<\/p>\n
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WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?<\/p>\n
Well, it starts with us. How often do we as adults give ourselves a compliment? Yes, I did say give ourselves a compliment\u2026 the chances are that this is never or not very often. We don\u2019t tend to practise true internal kindness, let alone voice such kindness out loud for all to hear \u2013 for the shame of blowing our own trumpet, sadly.<\/p>\n
We live in a world that suggests self-celebration, promotion and appreciation comes branded as boasting, being big headed, arrogant, and even vain. This notion that we are able to share our feelings of self-disappointment, annoyance and frustration leads us, as growing beings, to practise these accepted \u2018norms\u2019 both internally and externally.<\/p>\n
So how do we work on this to make a change?\u00a0Practising self-appreciation and feeling able to share that with others is a huge part of building confidence, self-esteem and inner happiness – which of course allows us to manage both internal and external worlds more effectively. It doesn’t mean that we do not notice when things are hard, or don\u2019t go well – it simply allows us space to balance the 50\/50 split that is life. It allows us to grow through our adversity and create new ideas through our fears rather than avoiding them.<\/p>\n
We all have a huge part to play here. The breaking down and understanding of \u2018social norms\u2019, expectations, and the behaviours of those close to us are how we define and connect our internal and external worlds.\u00a0Yes, a pang of parental guilt is likely to occur for any parents here, as we reflect on and try to catch ourselves being human\u2026 what we do and say impacts our children whether we are intentional about it or not. I often support parents and practitioners in understanding the science behind behaviour with all of this in mind. With behaviour being communication, if we can learn the language we can truly make sustainable change – both for ourselves as adults and the children and young people around us for generations to come.<\/p>\n
So, here are 4 things that you can do to support that \u2018inner bully\u2019 and build up that vulnerable part of us, so that not only do the words of others have little effect, but the words selected by our minds are more conscious and less \u2018habitually cruel\u2019.<\/p>\n
Gratitude is such an important skill to develop, master and pass on. Not only does it create happiness and emotional balance, it also offers this to others. When we are truly grateful for something we can only feel that one emotion in that moment, it leaves no space for others to muscle in, and when we express true gratitude it is received in the same way. There really is a science behind it!<\/p>\n
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Complimenting is a great way to give yourself practice at inner and outer kindness. It allows us to break down barriers, feel confident and model the words that we want to hear, use and receive. Remember, giving a compliment can be done in so many ways, it can be tagged onto appreciation or out of the blue. Most of all it can be to anyone – including ourselves! Whether it is about what we see, hear, feel or achieve, a compliment can go a long way to making the changes we need to overcome both internal and external struggles.<\/p>\n
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An activity I use that shines a light on our habits, what words do you say a lot? Catching the words that do not serve you and that ignite that inner burning can really help in making a shift. In order to move forwards in any journey we need to know where we are heading and from where we are coming from.<\/p>\n
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